Friday, May 13, 2005

OK, Maybe THIS guy is the Dumbest Man in Sports

Minnesota Vikings running-back Onterrio Smith was detained last week at the Twin Cities airport as a tube of toothpaste set off alarms. In the ensuing search of his bags several vials containing a "white" powder were discovered. Smith already has two strikes against him in the NFL's drug program and a third strike would mean a season-long suspension. But when questioned Smith advised officials that they were just vials of "dried urine" that were part of a kit designed to circumvent drug tests. The kit is known as "The Original Whizzinator" and comes with a prosthetic penis which is attached to a jockstrap and plastic bag. The user apparently mixes up a batch of urine (with a precisely measured amount of water) and injects it into the Whizzinator with a syringe. The kit even "warms" the urine for you. How handy.
When the user takes a drug test in front of an observer, the water is released through the prosthetic with a valve (the instructions recommend the user cough to hide the sound of the valve unsnapping).

Predictably Smith said he was just bringing the kit to his "cousin". Yes, the gift that keeps on giving -- The Whizzinator. The pot-loving Smith apparently could not do without his grass and was planning to use his new toy for random drug tests by the NFL. According to the Minneapolis Star Tribune "the NFL's testing guidelines include having the player take his shirt off and pull his pants down below his knees in front of an observer." Which for me begs the question (1) How do you know when to whip-up a batch of urine; (2) Does the player have to wear the Whizzinator from the time he arrives at the stadium until game/practice time? I mean, how comfortable can it be carrying around two units plus a bag of someone else's stinky urine? Then again what if it is so comfortable he forgets he is wearing the Whizzinator until he gets home and his wife/girlfriend/significant other undresses him to find two two flesh flutes? Is she repulsed or overjoyed? C'mon Onterrio, the world wants to know!


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